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this is not a fight. this is a dance
Jan. 6th, 2025 11:32 pmdid my fair share amount of reading today. i went to the library and read some articles. the new york review was very interesting. will go again in the near future.
i also picked up a nice book. it's a poetry book thats somehow sci-fi. anything's possible and it's a good read! i like it so far. really inspires me to write some poetry, even though i don't the formalities and whatnot but i'm gonna learn. eventually
listening to bob dylan right now. haven't really picked up any new artists since bcnr but that's ok. just trucking along. i also enjoyed some elliot smith today.
i also picked up a nice book. it's a poetry book thats somehow sci-fi. anything's possible and it's a good read! i like it so far. really inspires me to write some poetry, even though i don't the formalities and whatnot but i'm gonna learn. eventually
listening to bob dylan right now. haven't really picked up any new artists since bcnr but that's ok. just trucking along. i also enjoyed some elliot smith today.
becoming a little miserable.
Dec. 13th, 2024 09:39 ammaybe it's because it's finals season and i get irritated at the littlest thing but every small inconvenience annoys me! an old middle school acquaintance messaging me that they're glad we're friends (we have never talked besides the reels they send me), a new college friend tagging me in giveaways (literally why), having to walk in this cold and shitty weather, wanting to punch every single person that has made me feel like shit this semester. my blood isn't boiling but it feels like someone's waiting to crank up the heat under my ass. like i could explode at the littlest prick of blood.
throughout all of this, i have my own fair share of problems. i gotta come out to my dad tomorrow. i keep dreaming of lovers i've never had. imagining people i've never met opening their arms up to me and it breaks my heart to never really have that someone. seasonal depression is creeping up on me for sure. i'm studying for a final i didn't do jack shit for until yesterday. i want to isolate myself but the alarm clock keeps ringing every moment. i don't know how i made it this far without destroying my laptop because of how many corrections i've had to make because my brain capacity is slowly decreasing. i forget how to spell words. i think i'm getting worse, genuinely. reflecting on this semester has made me insane. i'm not a good person at all.
throughout all of this, i have my own fair share of problems. i gotta come out to my dad tomorrow. i keep dreaming of lovers i've never had. imagining people i've never met opening their arms up to me and it breaks my heart to never really have that someone. seasonal depression is creeping up on me for sure. i'm studying for a final i didn't do jack shit for until yesterday. i want to isolate myself but the alarm clock keeps ringing every moment. i don't know how i made it this far without destroying my laptop because of how many corrections i've had to make because my brain capacity is slowly decreasing. i forget how to spell words. i think i'm getting worse, genuinely. reflecting on this semester has made me insane. i'm not a good person at all.
there's more to life than this (by bjork)
Dec. 10th, 2024 09:12 pmyeah i don't know what i expected. if i thought coming out was bad (which didn't even go smoothly until my siblings jumped in and said my mom had a weird fucking response), everything else is going to shit. i don't know what i prefer: a parent that's trying to be supportive or a parent that doesn't support at all. guess i'll find soon, with my mom being the former in a crappy way (and trying to prolong the whole process of me being on hrt) or my dad that might throw a cup in my face and kick me out. what did i think would happen having parents like mine would accept?
i'll come out and say it, "hey dad, i don't feel like a girl. i'm a boy. i'm transgender," and he'll get so mad. he'll kick me out. or atleast throw profanities in my face. or they'll keep me in the house but i'll feel like a stranger in the place i grew up in. god damn. nothing is as easy as it seems.
edit: and i don't even have a fucking bed in the house. if my life was a show, people would call the show's writers crap. i literally have no belonging in the house anymore. and it's almost winter break soon. great
i'll come out and say it, "hey dad, i don't feel like a girl. i'm a boy. i'm transgender," and he'll get so mad. he'll kick me out. or atleast throw profanities in my face. or they'll keep me in the house but i'll feel like a stranger in the place i grew up in. god damn. nothing is as easy as it seems.
edit: and i don't even have a fucking bed in the house. if my life was a show, people would call the show's writers crap. i literally have no belonging in the house anymore. and it's almost winter break soon. great
today’s update
Dec. 9th, 2024 11:35 pmdid my oral exam today! i was shocked to see i got a grade for it during a club meeting. i opened it up and saw a 100/100..!!!!! surprised that the professor graded it super fast but i’m also glad he ripped the bandaid off quickly. he probably also wants to finalize grades as soon as possible haha
it’s nice that i got such a good grade though! i thought i would’ve gotten worse considering how nervous i was during the actual exam and i kept stuttering and pausing at weird times. although, me and my partner practiced for three hours straight last friday. we did a few practice rounds this afternoon and it relied some of my nerves. also, it was super casual that i was shocked to see the professor type away at his computer. kinda gave the illusion that he didn’t really care (but i knew he did).
it’s nice that i got such a good grade though! i thought i would’ve gotten worse considering how nervous i was during the actual exam and i kept stuttering and pausing at weird times. although, me and my partner practiced for three hours straight last friday. we did a few practice rounds this afternoon and it relied some of my nerves. also, it was super casual that i was shocked to see the professor type away at his computer. kinda gave the illusion that he didn’t really care (but i knew he did).
we're all going to perkins
Dec. 8th, 2024 07:07 pmmaybe it’s my stomach ache preventing me from feeling happy. i came out to my mom today. shed tears before i could start. i’m not used to this, i thought i was prepared. but when it came down to it, i didn’t feel like doing it. i didn’t want to retreat back but i didn’t want to take a step further either. although i knew deep down in my heart that if i remained stagnant, i’d have made no progress in life at all. what is life if not a series of oncoming problems and solution. barely stopping at the stop signs. you obey the rules but you’re eager to go forward. much to say but nothing to write home about. i think i’m becoming of a man. someone much stronger than who i used to be. that’s gotta be something, right? i want to have my cake and eat it.
got a cut on my face. i kinda look hardcore. maybe not to others but i feel cool. i should start lifting and go to the gym. get muscles and then get into fights. thinkinh of that fight club scene where the members’ homework was to pick a fight with random people. the mosh pit makes me feel alive. i feel rebranded, new. alive. sweaty arms and the exhilarating feeling of people just pushing one another. total guy stuff!
such a bore
Dec. 1st, 2024 01:41 amsuper disappointing night. felt like one of those teenagers from superbad or some shitty teen movie from the 2000s. thought i could recreate one of those moments in fiction where you just make out with a random person in a house party. nope, we were all gathered around and watched the artist play. me and my friend end up leaving early. nothing fun. also we knocked out watching a wes andy movie
washing machine
Nov. 29th, 2024 11:35 pmi think i’ve grown as a person, despite what others may think. i do have my doubts and i still have my habits/traits from last year that i don’t think i’ll ever completely change or forget, despite my constant efforts to ignore past me and my sad and pathetic self. but i’ve done better today than i have in the past. had a conversation with my brother. it was fun in the beginning but it slowly turned into a conversation where i kept peaking at the camera screen in hopes for a car to pull in the garage and take me away from the place that is the space held between me and him.
i’ve matured and not cried. is it telling of a man? i’m the same as i was before, with my head held down and his eyes looking down from a few feet above. although we’re both sat in our respectable chairs, me at the dining hall and him at the living room, he has managed to make both uncomfortable. although as a growing man and a person, capable of being more than a shell of a past self, i stood my ground and tried to make him understand my point. not because i’m a man, but because i’ve grown. i would’ve cried and made my feelings known right away and he would’ve exploded in anger.
maybe it’s my fault for holding this idea upon him, that he’s still this destructive figure in my life that’s sole mission is to make a man out of me. to be who he couldn’t be. a father figure in every way except in the form of an actual father. but we’ve had a civil conversation, i’d call it, and he understood. albeit intimidating, i knew no tears would come or would be present if i even willed it away. i’m not the same person as i was the last time arguments came. and maybe he’s proud of that secretly. that he could hold this sort of conversation and not be met with an explosion of tears or emotions. although maybe he’s also disappointed. he still held control over my head, believing him to be a better person.
when i’ve heard of stories from my older sister of this mighty, tall guy that held the same face as my older brother, i believed her (a bit blindly). i stood by her story because i loved her and believed her and took her side, and him, angry that no one had his back. he can’t foster this kind of relationship to this day with his own family as he wasn’t raised that way. in this case, i feel pity and sorrow. i wish i’d had been a buddy and sympathize with him on another level, that way we’d be equals. but we aren’t and never will.
i don’t hold myself as the victor, nor him as victorious in the conversation held today. emotions can’t be described as anger, annoyance, or sadness of what has come. i simply just feel "meh" in light of what has come. a realization that i have simply become more of a person than i’ve realized. that i stand before my older brother as someone more materialized and confident in my own character. he can’t tear down and make me crumble under the weight of his vicious words which he lays on thick (and he says "use a different word!"). again, there’s no victor and there has been no defeat. just a few clogs in the system has been fixed.
i don’t think i’ll ever officially really understand him or who he is. just the man i see presented before me. right or wrong, i’m not sure. there can never be a true telling of one’s character. but what i’ve learned is not to be scared of other men. to conquer this fear and not back down from the intimidation that overwhelms me. that yells at me to back down and admit defeat. to take my stance as a "girl" and become useless to the system. no more standing around. time to get moving.
i’ve matured and not cried. is it telling of a man? i’m the same as i was before, with my head held down and his eyes looking down from a few feet above. although we’re both sat in our respectable chairs, me at the dining hall and him at the living room, he has managed to make both uncomfortable. although as a growing man and a person, capable of being more than a shell of a past self, i stood my ground and tried to make him understand my point. not because i’m a man, but because i’ve grown. i would’ve cried and made my feelings known right away and he would’ve exploded in anger.
maybe it’s my fault for holding this idea upon him, that he’s still this destructive figure in my life that’s sole mission is to make a man out of me. to be who he couldn’t be. a father figure in every way except in the form of an actual father. but we’ve had a civil conversation, i’d call it, and he understood. albeit intimidating, i knew no tears would come or would be present if i even willed it away. i’m not the same person as i was the last time arguments came. and maybe he’s proud of that secretly. that he could hold this sort of conversation and not be met with an explosion of tears or emotions. although maybe he’s also disappointed. he still held control over my head, believing him to be a better person.
when i’ve heard of stories from my older sister of this mighty, tall guy that held the same face as my older brother, i believed her (a bit blindly). i stood by her story because i loved her and believed her and took her side, and him, angry that no one had his back. he can’t foster this kind of relationship to this day with his own family as he wasn’t raised that way. in this case, i feel pity and sorrow. i wish i’d had been a buddy and sympathize with him on another level, that way we’d be equals. but we aren’t and never will.
i don’t hold myself as the victor, nor him as victorious in the conversation held today. emotions can’t be described as anger, annoyance, or sadness of what has come. i simply just feel "meh" in light of what has come. a realization that i have simply become more of a person than i’ve realized. that i stand before my older brother as someone more materialized and confident in my own character. he can’t tear down and make me crumble under the weight of his vicious words which he lays on thick (and he says "use a different word!"). again, there’s no victor and there has been no defeat. just a few clogs in the system has been fixed.
i don’t think i’ll ever officially really understand him or who he is. just the man i see presented before me. right or wrong, i’m not sure. there can never be a true telling of one’s character. but what i’ve learned is not to be scared of other men. to conquer this fear and not back down from the intimidation that overwhelms me. that yells at me to back down and admit defeat. to take my stance as a "girl" and become useless to the system. no more standing around. time to get moving.
freaking out bad
Nov. 15th, 2024 04:53 pmgotta talk about the elephant in the room. ive welcomed her back into my life and she’s been doing a continuous waltz ever since. i feared she would come into my personal circle and it’s real. i should be happy but all i feel is doom impending. i feel a various mix of emotions and one of it is SHITTY. she’s done nothing wrong but i just feel panicked seeing her in my life. reminds me too much of high school but i cant get rid of her like that just because of my own traumatic (?) memories. it’s weird to want to gatekeep friends from someone but if i have to be blunt, i don’t want to be that guy that does that. i don’t want her to infiltrate my circles and crawl back again. i did this to myself and im freaking out and it’s no big deal but it obviously is if it’s bringing out so much anxiety in me.
i think, real story: she reminds me too much of my high school self, my old self. the one where im too nervous and i don’t do the socially right thing like saying certain lines and whatnot. it’s a weird resemblance and i’ve moved on (see my character right now) but it seems like her own character is just old me looking straight at my current self.
i also harbor different emotions like an urge to protect my own space. why i feel like she could rob my entire peaceful life, i don’t know! and i don’t like that i view her so negatively and i’m not ready to confront that
i think, real story: she reminds me too much of my high school self, my old self. the one where im too nervous and i don’t do the socially right thing like saying certain lines and whatnot. it’s a weird resemblance and i’ve moved on (see my character right now) but it seems like her own character is just old me looking straight at my current self.
i also harbor different emotions like an urge to protect my own space. why i feel like she could rob my entire peaceful life, i don’t know! and i don’t like that i view her so negatively and i’m not ready to confront that
it's very scary being depressed and sad when you haven't felt this way for awhile. it feels humiliating to come back to such a low place and feel like you have to get comfortable once again in such a rotten place. like standing in field full of dead, dull grass and the sun is shining too bright for you to fully enjoy a sunny day. a silent sigh will do as you accept your situation and the fact that this moment, this feeling will eventually settle down!
life takes you on a rollercoaster and right now, there are no highs or lows. it's just driving you forward and i wish for something to push me further but it's still oh, so slow, and you have no choice but to look forward and keep your eyes fixed on that one stupid thing. i live a very boring life and the depression doesn't keep anything exciting. it makes me very sad to do another thing.
life takes you on a rollercoaster and right now, there are no highs or lows. it's just driving you forward and i wish for something to push me further but it's still oh, so slow, and you have no choice but to look forward and keep your eyes fixed on that one stupid thing. i live a very boring life and the depression doesn't keep anything exciting. it makes me very sad to do another thing.
wishing for a great love to consume me but its all despair man. it’s one big heartache and it hurts to feel and not do anything about it.
i want to feel your leg wrapped around mine. the brief moments of contact where we touch is not enough. i want to twirl my finger around your short black hair and hold your face in my hand. i imagine kissing you on the cheek in public, where people can see that
i am yours and you are mine.
devotion to each other, no words spoken.
i want to feel your leg wrapped around mine. the brief moments of contact where we touch is not enough. i want to twirl my finger around your short black hair and hold your face in my hand. i imagine kissing you on the cheek in public, where people can see that
i am yours and you are mine.
devotion to each other, no words spoken.
ramblings of a crazy man
Nov. 10th, 2024 11:06 ami can't write poetry anymore because my heart doesn't allow it. it's been locked behind a plastic wall and you must unlock me to get through. there are chains wrapped around my entire being and i cannot struggle through anymore. i am sick. sick entirely of this whole exchange and what i fear to do when i'm presented in front of you. i feel naked and shattered if i were to lay out these words in front of you and call it a piece. you'd think i was insane!
words cannot mean much more to you than it does for me. i hope you break when you read but at last, you are not the one for me. and neither is he.
words cannot mean much more to you than it does for me. i hope you break when you read but at last, you are not the one for me. and neither is he.
i was made to love you, can’t you tell?
Oct. 25th, 2024 11:08 pmim quite normal. nope i will not write poetry even though my soul calls for it. another day… gonna see how sat goes and if its anything worth saying (secretly scared hes gonna reschedule and then i should get the hint and just cancel it)
im not very smart and im a little sad
Oct. 22nd, 2024 10:38 pmi told my friends about him. they were excited, of course, but i also felt super embarrassed. this isn't my field to play in. i've never been so compelled to go to friends and ask for romantic advice but i did it this time because i can't find the truth in my brain or in my siblings.
i won't force anything. i can't hope and ensure that our relationship goes somewhere. chemistry will not pop up in places where it doesn't even exist. i wish i could know him as a person, ask him about his life in california, his family, his transition story, how he came to be the person he is today, but i feel like it's too much for a surface leveled relationship.. although what's gonna break the ice if not this?!!
we'll see saturday. saturday, i'll win it or lose it. my cards have been dealt. how i play is up to me
i won't force anything. i can't hope and ensure that our relationship goes somewhere. chemistry will not pop up in places where it doesn't even exist. i wish i could know him as a person, ask him about his life in california, his family, his transition story, how he came to be the person he is today, but i feel like it's too much for a surface leveled relationship.. although what's gonna break the ice if not this?!!
we'll see saturday. saturday, i'll win it or lose it. my cards have been dealt. how i play is up to me
