freaking out bad

[wmggw]

gotta talk about the elephant in the room. ive welcomed her back into my life and she’s been doing a continuous waltz ever since. i feared she would come into my personal circle and it’s real. i should be happy but all i feel is doom impending. i feel a various mix of emotions and one of it is SHITTY. she’s done nothing wrong but i just feel panicked seeing her in my life. reminds me too much of high school but i cant get rid of her like that just because of my own traumatic (?) memories. it’s weird to want to gatekeep friends from someone but if i have to be blunt, i don’t want to be that guy that does that. i don’t want her to infiltrate my circles and crawl back again. i did this to myself and im freaking out and it’s no big deal but it obviously is if it’s bringing out so much anxiety in me.

i think, real story: she reminds me too much of my high school self, my old self. the one where im too nervous and i don’t do the socially right thing like saying certain lines and whatnot. it’s a weird resemblance and i’ve moved on (see my character right now) but it seems like her own character is just old me looking straight at my current self.

i also harbor different emotions like an urge to protect my own space. why i feel like she could rob my entire peaceful life, i don’t know! and i don’t like that i view her so negatively and i’m not ready to confront that