im not very smart and im a little sad

i told my friends about him. they were excited, of course, but i also felt super embarrassed. this isn't my field to play in. i've never been so compelled to go to friends and ask for romantic advice but i did it this time because i can't find the truth in my brain or in my siblings.

i won't force anything. i can't hope and ensure that our relationship goes somewhere. chemistry will not pop up in places where it doesn't even exist. i wish i could know him as a person, ask him about his life in california, his family, his transition story, how he came to be the person he is today, but i feel like it's too much for a surface leveled relationship.. although what's gonna break the ice if not this?!!

we'll see saturday. saturday, i'll win it or lose it. my cards have been dealt. how i play is up to me

(no subject)

i feel like my account has revolved around him too much. it's fun to write but to feel like i can only write because of romance.. it's a little sad. i'll stop my ramblings unless something of significance happens