make this one hurt

i don’t know whether or not to doubt myself. i don’t know if this is love or my imagination. i want your eyes to keep wandering and find my face always. i want our run-in’s to be intentional and not just a silly little game for us to play.
i’m afraid of making it awkward. Or that i read the situation wrong. i’m really in love and i feel like this trip could either end bad or worse, no results at all.

don't dream it's over

i've stared blankly at this entry for a few minutes now. no emotions now i really want to be calm.
i know i can disregard everything. keep my finger on the delete button. move the mouse to edit and delete all thoughts of you.

ladybug adjacent

the heater's on and the curtains are pulled all the way. i lay hot in my bed as i write this. here, i'll spill my thoughts:

to be frank, i'm scared. i'm scared i've made this situation worse than it already has. i let him go and i made my peace with it but he's come back into my life and the few moments i spent alone in my room felt like an anxiety attack. mixed with sweat and hope.

i think of how disgusted he'd be with my dreams of kissing him and i feel immense guilt consume my whole body. does he even feel this way about me? do you think he'd be able to spare more than a couple of words after being asked what he thought about me? i think i'm slowly losing my mind. i don't know how much longer i can hold onto hope. i feel like heartbreak is here and it's going to stay. it'll break my fall so i don't get any higher up.

i know my habits and i know my insecurities. i know i take it too far but i want love so bad it hurts but it never gives and i will never have it.

is seeing eachother two times this week too much already? would it be weird to text him out of the blue? would he even respond?